Doubting myself and all I do

It is Sunday, and we are back from our weekly trip up north. It was three days filled with hockey, fishing, a wedding and lots of miles put on. After hockey on Thursday morning, Dad wanted to go fishing up the shore to a spot he has gone all his life. We drove up and found the little trail you drive into and back to the lake where you walk a trail to the edge of a steep embankment that you scale down to the edge of Lake Superior. Dad had a tackle bag, his two poles, and a backpack with NA beer and his coffee thermos. He went fishing. I went to visit mom for a while and headed back to get him after a little while. As I pulled in to the trail I saw his poles and bags lying next to some trees just inside the trail. No Dad. I loaded up his stuff and continued to try and get ahold of him, but it just went to voicemail. After driving back in towards the lake as far as I could and scanning the woods for five or so minutes, I saw a bike on the side of the trail and a guy in biking gear coming out of the woods. I yelled to him and asked if he had seen a guy in a white baseball hat out here anywhere, he says “Donny, ya, I play hockey with him. Im trying to help him find his phone”. Apparently after walking out of the trail he realized he didn’t have his phone, and proceeded to start hitchhiking along the Old North Shore Highway in hopes of borrowing a cell phone to call me. Luckiest guy I know, my Dad.  He was completely freaked out by the loss of this phone as he had just a week ago lost his phone fishing at Jims. Dads buddy found his phone after I redirected him to the right spot, down a steep embankment leading to the lake. Both of the poles dad used were broken and the reels were tangled around them. Pretty standard situation for him it seems. I probably should not have dropped him off to stay there by himself, but he is so damn determined that I feel like he should be allowed as much independence as possible…again not wanting the argument. I realize he may do something to get hurt or in trouble, but I feel kind of worn down and guilty that he has lost so much of his previous life to this disease, that I want so badly for him to do the things that are so important to him.  Or, maybe the other truth is that I want so badly to have the life I had previous to this disease, I can not tell. Following the wedding on Saturday, we went to my cousins for a small wedding party for a few hours. I waited as late as I could for my brother to get there after work but had to get going home about 7pm. Dad cried for the first 40 miles.

So, this morning, I heard dad go into the bathroom in my bedroom, twenty minutes later he came out and made a beeline for the outdoors. I realized there was no toilet paper in there when I opened the bathroom door to find my toilet fill to the rim with crumpled newspaper. Now, he is sitting at the table on the back deck with me,spitting his chewing tobacco on the deck.

It is Wednesday again and after I take my son to get his drivers permit, I will drive dad up to Jims house for a long weekend visit.  I pray that it goes well, that my brother can have the patience it requires to spend four days with dad.