Try To Picture

I haven’t written in a few days, ok, more like a week. I have been unable to find a way to write about the events in the last week, it is near impossible to describe….It reminds me of the vast, deep, beautiful visual, of say, the Grand Canyon. So you take a picture to share with others and it can not, in any way begin to relay the beauty and vastness of its affect on you. So I will do my best to make it make sense to you.

I will start by saying that the one or two people I could occasionally call on for help, or to borrow an ear, have pretty much stopped answering the phone when they see it is me calling. I have thought about it, and I can honestly say that I did not abuse there willingness to be available. I do think that the overwhelming task of spending more than a couple of hours with my dad is just that, overwhelming. I can understand the hesitance. It is amazingly easy to convince ones self that my dad will be fine, and when you remove yourself from him to have any amount of freedom and relaxation….you just want to continue with your old life. Suddenly, you are a mom, a wife, a friend and a real person again. I can’t believe how easy it is to fall right back into your “normal”. Right now, I am in my sun room watching it rain, and having coffee. It is easy. On any other day, I would be answering for the tenth time” what are you doing?, when will we go to town?, I am coming with, can I shoot my gun?, I dont have anything to do”. I would have made him breakfast, picked up a pile of cig butts from all over the yard, made a second pot of coffee due to him guzzling his like there is a prize at the bottom of each cup, and then wondering if the shop door is unlocked, if he is riffling through a vehicle, or found keys to one. This is easy, to forget about him and his needs for a while.

Fourth of July. I dropped dad off the night before at my brothers house, he has Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun off work and agreed to have dad up to his house. They were going fishing, golfing, and just hanging out. Sounds easy enough, it is his dad after all. His dad with a terminal illness. His dad with too many needs for him to handle apparently. What happened is truly more than I can put in this blog. What happened is that my brother could not handle spending that much  time with dad, he said things to him, that he regrets now, and ultimately dropped him off at his house. I had received a couple of phone calls from dad that should have que’d me off that this was bad…but it was too easy to be normal for a while.  That is it. That is how it works I guess. That was on Sunday. It is Tuesday. My cousin has been checking on him. My mom called him and tried to talk to him about coming back to my house but he just argued with her saying “its boring there and she wont let me shoot my gun or run a chainsaw. Her and Jim are the only ones who think there is something wrong with me” then his phone died. He called yesterday after hockey to ask if I would come get him in a couple of days. I am sending up a lot of prayer that he stays safe, and hopefully the neighbors are still keeping an eye out for him. He was trying to start an excavator that belongs to some lifelong friends on Sunday. Only God knows what else has happened. I will have to go up there in the next day or so…but its been way to easy to stay home.